


Father

by midgetnazgul



Series: Second Reckoning [2]
Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Death and Mortality, Gen, Jade is bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25173322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midgetnazgul/pseuds/midgetnazgul
Relationships: Jade Curtiss & Luke fon Fabre
Series: Second Reckoning [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823626
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	Father

_Grand Chokmah, two weeks after Lorelei’s release_

Jade returned to the Curtiss manor after a particularly long, stressful day. His home being situated near one of the larger fountains of the city made it rather difficult to fall asleep to the now-foreign sound of crashing water outside his windows, leaving him poorly rested, and _that_ only drove him towards irritation all the more easily. Most of the time since he returned to Grand Chokmah, he had been absorbed in a multitude of books on fonic theory, researching methods with which to solve the energy crisis that had emerged since shutting down the Planet Storm. He knew perfectly well that there was probably no reasonable way to recreate the same productivity with fonic artes without the previous quantity and resonant power of fonons, but it served as a suitable activity with which to fool the higher-ups in the military that he was doing productive work as he readjusted to domestic life again.

He arrived in his home office and dropped several files on his desk. As he did so, his eye was caught by a short, neat stack of books and a few experimental tools. Recognizing them as the materials he had brought along on his journey with the kids, he drifted over to it for a closer look. He hadn’t taken the time to go through his pack since he had returned home. One of his maids had apparently gone through it and put everything back where she assumed it belonged. On top of the stack of books was one he didn’t immediately recognize; it had no title on its spine like the others. He picked it up, but almost dropped it once he realized what it was – Luke’s journal. His momentarily loosened grip on the book caused a small envelope to drop from its pages. Questions flooded his mind as he picked it up – and noticed that his name was scrawled across the front of the envelope in Luke’s characteristically-atrocious hand. Surely Luke hadn’t left _him_ the documentation of their journey? He tore open the envelope and pulled out a short letter.

_Hey._

_If you got this…I’m not around anymore. I made the decision to leave this behind some time ago, but I only recently decided who I was going to give it to. I just…need something of myself to have remained, since I won’t…at all. You probably didn’t expect me to give it to you, and one reason why I did is because I guess you’d be the least upset over it. If you think the others should read it, I guess I can’t stop you…but could you at least wait for a while? There‘s some stuff in the back of the journal for each of them (including you), but everything in the back is_ _stuff_ _I could never say to any of you myself. That’s the other reason I left this with you…I mean, you know all my other secrets anyway, so what’s one more, right?_

_Thank you, so much, for everything._

_Luke_

Jade numbly sat at his desk and began flipping through pages. When he arrived at roughly the last quarter of the journal, he started reading from the first date he found.

_Sylph-day 21_

_Remdecan 2019_

_Nighttime - late_

_Couldn't sleep again. I can't help but let it get to me, sometimes. The closer we get to facing down Van, the more real it feels. Mieu sometimes comes out with me when I can't sleep, but I usually ask him to leave me alone. It's not like I'm mad at him or anything, I just wanna be by myself. I don't know how long I've been out here, tonight…thinking about what's coming. I'm not sure if it's just my own fear or whatever, but I feel…weaker. The others don't seem to have noticed…but I think Jade and Tear have, and are starting to work harder to make up for where I fall short. Looking either of them in the eye after a battle is really hard._

_There's so much I want to say, but I don't know when I will be able to say it, or even if that will be possible before the time comes…_

Jade attempted to read more, but the writing had morphed into particularly unintelligible scrawls ending in a short, meandering line. He continued onto the next paragraph.

_I’m losing it again. Damn it! I feel so stupid…and now…Jade saw me. I could hear someone behind me, and I turned around before I could stop myself. It’s been awkward enough between us after what happened in Sheridan the other day, and now it’s happening all over again. We kinda just stared at each other for a minute before he finally told me to get some sleep. He probably doesn't know what to do much better than I do, what with his whole problem with death's significance and all that._

_Hmm, now I'm stuck wondering what he thinks of all this…_

_Shadowday 26_

_Remdecan 2019_

_Mid-morning_

_This is the first chance I've had since last night to write anything down (busy morning, I'll cover that later, though)…I hope I haven't forgotten anything!_

_Alright, well, I was out again by myself last night. Jade showed up again. Now that I think about it, I wonder if he’s been checking on me after last Sylphday, but I hadn't wandered away since then, as we’ve been mostly camping outside… Anyway yeah, he snuck up on me again…it's really creepy how he can do that. I don't exactly remember what I was doing when he came up next to me…I think I was just spacing out. He asked me if I was alright, really quietly. Does he do that because he's embarrassed? I dunno, he's so hard to read._

_I tried to make it seem like I thought he was talking about my health, or was going to check my blood fonon level, but he stopped me. It took him awhile, but he finally said that he wasn’t what he meant. Looking back on it now, I wish I had a picture of his facial expressions…he looked really uncomfortable…and it was pretty funny. I hope Jade couldn't tell. If he did, he didn't say anything._

_Anyway, I asked him if he was talking about the other night, and he nodded. I told him I realized some time ago that regardless of whatever time I have left, helping to release Lorelei will probably cut that short. I'd been trying not to think about it, I told him, but when I'm trying to fall asleep, I can't help it sometimes. He looked like he wanted to ask me something,_ _but he hesitated_ _,_ _so_ _I told him that I wasn’t going to freak out again like back_ _in_ _Sheridan, before he could say anything. I don’t know if that was_ _really_ _what he was going to ask about…I just sorta started talking. We hadn’t talked about what happened that day...It’s weird enough for me, because I got so upset, and Jade was so…I don’t even know what to call it, but knowing Jade, it’s probably even weirder for him._

_I don’t think he expected me to bring up the Sheridan thing, because he went really quiet. I apologized. He was confused, but I told him I hadn’t meant all the stuff I said to him about being a guinea pig. I was just trying to piss him off enough to leave. He made a really strange face when I told him why I was apologizing, and he didn’t say anything. Then, even though I wasn’t sure how he would react, I thanked him for sticking around that day. I hadn’t expected him to at all, but I’m really glad he did._

_When I finished, I kinda got embarrassed and told him that I knew it was stupid to_ _get so_ _panicky_ _about what’s happening to me_ _, since there wasn't anything I could do about it. Finally, he sighed and apologized. I didn't understand why he did, but I just waited for him to explain. I remember exactly what he said - "I have searched my mind continuously for something that would be able to help you, but there is nothing I can think of. Were there something I could do to even minimally extend your life, I would do anything in my power to do so."_

_I didn't know what to say. At the time, I couldn't even get myself to speak. I must have had a weird look on my face, because he started laughing…his real laugh, not the one he uses when he's making fun of people. He asked if I was really that surprised with his…what was the word he used…"can-der"? I couldn't help it, but he said he didn't mind. "It's a new thing for me as well," he said, “but I’m completely serious.” Neither of us knew what to say after that, but we did sit there for awhile together. I looked over at him at one point, and his face was really…I don’t know how to put it…blank? Like he was staring at a wall. Eventually I leaned over to ask what he was thinking about, and he jumped. He said it was nothing in particular. I really doubted that, but before I_ _ask_ _he got up and told me that he had been too lenient letting me wander around like this when I was supposed to sleep. I ended up being dragged back to the inn. He told me, “Be assured that I will know if you aren’t sleeping.” There wasn’t much of a choice after that._

The entry continued on in the next paragraph to describe the rest of his day, so Jade began flipping through pages again. The flipping stopped at a page with Tear’s name as a heading, but even a cursory glance over the words on the first page told him it was something far too personal to read. He continued to a page that had his name as a heading in large (yet still poorly written) fonic letters, so he resumed reading.

_I've been sitting on a lot of this for awhile now…since the first time we fought Van, I think. I had forgotten about it after everything happened, though…_

_I guess I should start with how happy I am that you’re friends with me. When I finally came around after Akzeriuth, you were really angry and unkind towards me. Even at the time, I thought it was kind of extreme. It's not that I didn't deserve it…I did…but I remember thinking it was kind of personal. Kind of like the way you treat Dist. Ugh, bad comparison…but yeah. I never thought you'd accept me, much less like me or be my friend. Kind of a weird thing, to describe you as a friend, even now. The turning point was probably our first trip to Keterburg, when Nephry told me the story about Professor Nebilim. We’ve really gotten to share and keep each other's secrets over the course of this journey, and that's probably the biggest reason for our friendship. It's funny...sometimes the things you do, nobody else in the group understands, and just dismiss it, I feel like I get it. Not all the time (you’re weird no matter how many secrets I know about you, sorry), but sometimes. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant of me._

_I think it's because of that understanding that I've learned so much from you over the past year. We are both responsible for the loss of so many lives…maybe for different reasons, but that doesn't matter much in the end. Knowing all that stuff about Nebilim and your childhood has helped me understand why you do some of the things you do to make up for your mistakes, and I've tried to copy that…ha ha, you probably don’t want to hear that, but it's the truth. I tried to tell you that the night before we went to fight Van the first time, but you tried to blow me off with a rant about teaching. I like to think I kind of got my point across._

_So much has happened in so little time between our first battle with Van and now…and I was thinking about that when I realized something. Honestly, though, I’m not sure how you’d take it. I don’t really know how to feel about it myself. Since I've learned that I'm going to die, though (ugh, that's still so hard to write), I feel like I should get it down, if for no other reason than for me…I'm just talking (writing?) around what I really want to say…I’m so lame._

_A big part of why I let Akzeriuth happen was because of my blind faith in Van…I really, truly believed that he cared about me more than anyone. He definitely seemed to care more than my the rest of my family did, and while Guy has always been my best friend and like a brother to me, leading up to Akzeriuth even he started to write me off._

_I've had a lot of time to think about all this…Van never really challenged me as a person. The only time he really yelled at me was when my sword stance was wrong. Every other time, he made me think I was right, manipulating me. I feel like such an idiot to see it for what it really is, now…but when I decided to change, and I told you that, you made me prove it just as much (if not more than) Tear did. You must have seen some part of your past self in me, I think, and that's why you were so hard on me. But I could not have recovered from Akzeriuth, or come to understand who and what I am as a replica…or even be alive…without you…you’ve been more of a father to me than any of the other people who said they raised me._

_Heh. That took me almost ten minutes to write…I'm shaking as I do. I never could say that to your face, if I'm like this just writing it down._

_You can be really cold and strange, even a jackass sometimes, but you're not as bad as you make yourself out to be. I'm not sure you'll believe me when I say this, but you don't have to blame yourself so much. Maybe you were different when you were a kid, but I only know you as you are now, and you’re not the “terror” Nephry told me about on our first trip to Keterburg. You are a great friend to all of us (though you have a weird way of showing it), super-smart, and tough despite everything you’ve experienced in your life. I admire and respect you way more than I could try and write here._

_I would have liked to work on changing people’s minds about replicas and fomicry, but because I can’t, I would like you to. I think fomicry really can be used for good things, and you're the best person to prove it to everyone else. I can only imagine how hard that might be for you, but maybe once you start, it won’t be so bad and it’ll help you. So, please try. I guess that might as well be my last request of you, as my friend._

Quaking hands abruptly shut the worn leather cover and set it on his right leg. Rushing water flowing outside the window began to rumble in time with the migraine forming between his eyes. As the diary slipped from his leg to the floor, he removed his glasses and rested his forehead on the heel of his hand. Hopefully, the coming headache would be violent enough in its intensity to prevent him from thinking for a while.


End file.
